The Evil Cucumber of Death
by RosieG
Summary: One fateful day, Cee the Duck decided that she was bored, and so the Tippy Talent Quest was born! Here's my "completely normal" story. Evil Cucumbers D/M and a giant Jay Leno all rolled into one! Don't say I didn't warn you.


The wind blew hard and cold as two figures made their way down to the lake. It was a dark and starry night in February and the ground was covered in soft glittering snow.  
  
"Damn! It's too bloody cold for this!" Muttered one of the figures as they reached their destination.  
  
"Oh, come off it, Ron! How often do you accidentally discover Draco telling Myrtle sweat nothings? You heard him! He asked her to meet him here tonight, and I wouldn't miss it for the world." Harry's eyes glittered mischievously as he said this and Ron had to smile. He hadn't seen Harry so happy in a while.  
  
"Alright." he muttered, trying to sound reluctant, even though he himself could hardly contain his excitement in their venture...  
  
They hid in a clump of trees nearby and waited impatiently for the blonde haired Slytherin to show up.  
  
Suddenly, they heard footsteps. But they were coming from behind, not from the castle. Harry and Ron exchanged glances and held their breaths. Whoever it was, they sincerely hoped it wasn't Hagrid.  
  
"Boo!"  
  
Harry and Ron nearly jumped out of their skins. And then both cried out in shock when they recognized the flaming head of red hair. "Ginny!"  
  
Ginny was laughing hysterically. "Honestly, you two should have seen the looks on your faces. Bloody brilliant!"  
  
"Hey, that's my line. Copyright of Ron Weasley." Ron grumbled indignantly. "Didn't you see the movie?"  
  
"What are you doing here?" Harry asked, not able to keep his pleasure that Ginny was there out of his voice.  
  
"Well, I was visiting Hagrid. He asked me to come by to help him with some things. I was on my way back when I saw you two here. Honestly, you call this a hiding place?" Ginny looked around her with distaste.  
  
"How do you know were hiding?" Asked Ron.  
  
"Well," began Ginny acidly, "It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. It's almost midnight and you're standing out in the freezing cold for fun, right? Somehow, I doubt it."  
  
"I still think we were well hidden." Mumbled Ron.  
  
"Any idiot could find you." Ginny answered. She turned to Harry. "That's my brother." She said. "To him, intelligence is a sin and ignorance is a blessing."  
  
"Hey!" Ron retorted indignantly. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes. "My point exactly."  
  
The three of them continued standing in the cold in silence. Harry began shivering and he was quite sure that his lips had already turned blue.  
  
"So really, what, or should I say who," Ginny raised her eyebrows suggestively, "are you waiting for?"  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other, wondering whether to tell her or not. A nod from Ron showed he agreed with Harry. If they didn't tell her, there was no telling what story she might make up and tell everyone.  
  
"It's like this, Harry began. "Ron and I were passing by the trophy room earlier today when we heard Draco talking to someone."  
  
"And you'll never believe who it was!" Ron interrupted.  
  
Harry gave him an annoyed look and continued. "It was Myrtle."  
  
"Myrtle?" Ginny asked questioningly. "What was he talking to her about?"  
  
Harry snickered and Ron grinned evilly. "Apparently," Harry said, "our favorite Slytherin has taken a fancy to the supernatural."  
  
It took a moment for the meaning of his words to sink in, but when they did, Ginny's face was priceless.  
  
"No!" She said, unbelieving.  
  
"Yes!" Replied Ron. "Dear Draco's in love with Moaning Myrtle!"  
  
Ginny started laughing so hard that tears filled her eyes. Her laughter was contagious. Harry and Ron were soon rolling on the floor, clutching their sides while shaking with mirth.  
  
But they stopped short when they heard voices coming towards them. They stopped laughing simultaneously and peered around the tree they were hiding behind. They held their breath when they recognized the figures of the subjects of their previous conversation. Draco and Myrtle walking side by side in their direction.  
  
"Myrtle darling," Ron almost choked when he heard Draco, "I only wish I were dead as well so I could be with you."  
  
"That could be arranged." Harry whispered. Ginny put her hand over her mouth to stifle her giggles.  
  
"Oh, Draco!" Myrtle sounded as though she were on the verge of tears. I never thought anyone could love me as much as you do. There is a way, you know, that we could be together."  
  
They heard Draco sigh. "Yes, I know. I've been considering suicide for a while now. But the truth is, I think I'm just too chicken to go through with it."  
  
Ron was on the floor, banging his fist on the ground.  
  
"Oh." Myrtle sounded crestfallen. "I guess you don't love me then."  
  
"What?!" Draco replied. "Of course I do, love. Who couldn't fall in love with someone as beautiful and charming as you?!"  
  
"But if you wouldn't even die for me, then that just shows me that our love is a lie!"  
  
"Myrtle, no!" Draco sounded pained. Harry was losing his ability to breathe. He didn't think he could stand it much longer.  
  
"Goodbye, Draco darling. I loved you. I really did."  
  
"Wait!" The determination in Draco's voice made all three of them look up. Myrtle had stopped and was looking at Draco wistfully.  
  
"If that's what I have to do to make you realize the strength of my love," this was beginning to sound like a really bad movie, "than so be it! Ill do what needs to be done! You're strength gives me strength."  
  
Suddenly, Brandon Frasier ran past Draco and Myrtle, ignoring them and screaming, "Don't you close that door, Benny! Don't you close that door!" And then ran off into the distance.  
  
Harry, Ron and Ginny all looked at each other in confusion, shrugged their shoulders and continued to watch Draco and Myrtle, who were much more interesting then major movie superstars.  
  
Draco lowered his right hand to his cloak pocket and pulled out...  
  
A cucumber?  
  
Ginny couldn't take it. She burst out from the hiding place, laughing so hard, Harry thought she might collapse. He hoped she would. Then he might get to perform mouth to mouth...  
  
Draco and Myrtle both gasped as Ginny revealed herself and Draco almost fainted when Harry and Ron stepped out after her.  
  
Ron was red in the face from lack of air when he said, "Malfoy, I always thought you were cracked but now I'm positive you belong in St. Mungo's psychiatric ward!" He took a deep breath and continued, tears leaking out of his eyes. "A cucumber?! You're joking, right?" Ron wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "You can't even kill yourself right!"  
  
Ginny and Harry laughed harder.  
  
Draco's cheeks were pinker than any of them had ever seen, but he stood his ground defiantly.  
  
"For your information," he began, "it's a poisoned cucumber!"  
  
"Oh, Draco!" Myrtle cried out gleefully.  
  
"Yes, love." Draco replied. "And I'm not ashamed that the world should know of my true feelings for you."  
  
Myrtle was ecstatic. "And to think, you've been carrying that cucumber around in your pocket all day!"  
  
That was the last straw for Harry. He broke down completely and in between gasps said, "Is that- a - a- cucumber in- your pocket- or- or- are you- just happy- to see- us?"  
  
Ron was roaring with laughter, and Ginny looked like she might explode.  
  
Draco looked at the three of them with distaste. "Really!" he said, "What a vulgar joke." And stuck his nose in the air.  
  
"Goodbye to you all. I'm leaving this world for good."  
  
Harry's sense of humanity returned somewhat, and he remembered that, no matter how much they hated Draco, it wouldn't be right to let him kill himself.  
  
"Wait! Stop!" He cried out.  
  
Draco's hand paused halfway to his mouth. "What?" He asked acidly.  
  
"Yes, what?" Ron asked his eyes locked on Draco's hand.  
  
Harry gave Ron a "Look" and turned back to Malfoy. "Listen," he began, "we can't let you kill yourself, no matter how much we hate you."  
  
"I'm touched." Said Malfoy, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
"Oh bugger off." Said Ron. "Go ahead, eat it! See what we care."  
  
Draco's hand started moving towards his mouth again.  
  
"Ron!" Harry exclaimed. "Don't." He ordered at Malfoy again.  
  
"Do it!" Said Ron.  
  
"Don't!" said Harry.  
  
"Do!"  
  
"Don't!"  
  
"Do!"  
  
"Don't!"  
  
"Oh for Gryffindor's sake!" Came a voice behind them. "Someone do something with that cucumber, or I may just have to make a nice salad with Italian dressing and stuff it down both your throats!"  
  
Everyone was forced into shocked silence and looked at Ginny. She stood there with her hands on her hips, looking highly amused.  
  
Harry took the opportunity to grab the evil Cucumber of Death out of Draco's hand and flung it into the lake.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Wailed both Draco and Moaning Myrtle. Tears sprang into Draco's eyes. "You've ruined the only chance I ever had of being happy. I want my mummmmmmmuuuuuuuummmmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!"  
  
Ron snickered. "Would a teddy bear do?" He asked sarcastically.  
  
Draco stopped wailing for his mother and looked at Ron with hope eminent in his eyes. "Really?"  
  
Ron shook his head in disbelief.  
  
It was then they all noticed the strange bubbles coming from the lake. Green shaped bubbles...  
  
"Uh oh..." said Ginny as they all realized the source.  
  
The Giant Squid had apparently been hungry when he discovered a nice tasty cucumber at the bottom of his home. But it seemed that the poison didn't have the same effect on it as it would on a regular human being.  
  
It was much, MUCH worse.  
  
The Giant Squid had turned into a Giant GREEN-  
  
"Jay Leno!" They all shouted together, upon recognizing the mile long chin.  
  
"HELP ME!!!" The Giant Squid/Leno cried.  
  
"Is that you, Squiddy?" Asked Myrtle.  
  
"No, this is what I normally look like!" The frightening image replied with venom.  
  
"Oh, ok!" She replied cheerfully.  
  
"Oh no!" Ginny cried. "What'll we do? We have to turn the poor thing back."  
  
Harry, Ron and Draco all nodded, especially since at that moment, the squid began to tell horrendously bad jokes!  
  
"Ginny! What should we do?" Harry asked, panicked, his hands over his ears.  
  
"I don't know!" She cried.  
  
"I know!" Ron exclaimed suddenly. "I read it in a book once that Hermione lent me."  
  
Harry put aside his wonder at the fact that Ron even knew what a book was and asked, "Well? What did it say?"  
  
"It said," Ron shouted over the noise of an awful and outdated joke about president Clinton, "that if the Giant Squid should ever eat a poisoned cucumber he'd become a scary stand-up comedian."  
  
"We know that already!" Ginny screamed, severely annoyed.  
  
"Wait, that wasn't all!" Ron yelled. "It also said that if that should ever happened, the world as we know it would end unless the Squid was fed a Malfoy!"  
  
"A Malfoy?" Harry shouted, "Where on earth are we going to find a Malfoy?"  
  
"Use me! Use me!" Draco was bouncing up and down in excitement like the donkey from Shrek.  
  
Harry, Ron and Ginny all sat together thinking hard where they could find a Malfoy.  
  
"Me!!!! ME!!!!!!" Draco was going insane.  
  
"I know!" Harry suddenly exclaimed. "We'll use Malfoy!"  
  
"Bloody brilliant Harry!" Yelled Ginny.  
  
"Hey! What did I say about using my bloody line?!"  
  
"Sorry!"  
  
And so, the three of them grabbed Malfoy and flung him at the Giant Squid, who gobbled him up as quickly as he could. Draco turned into a ghost and he and Myrtle floated away to the prefect's bathroom for a long snog. Many years later, Harry learned that Myrtle had left Draco for the Giant Squid himself, whom she'd always secretly adored. Draco had been left to clog up the toilets alone until he met Dead Mrs. Norris, and they lived happily ever after.  
  
As to Harry, Ron and Ginny, Ginny fainted just for Harry and he got to give her mouth-to-mouth after all. Ron went off to snog Hermione, and Dumbledore gave them all special service awards to the school for getting rid of the evil monster and the Giant Squid.  
  
The End 


End file.
